Friends and Family,
Today, I come to you with a topic very dear to my heart. And I hope as you finish reading this post, it will be very dear to yours.
For decades, we Americans have pursued noble issues. Freedom and democracy. Equality and justice. The support of animal populations endangered or ignored. However, there is a great injustice facing us today. A glaring issue that has been hanging over our heads for years. There is an entire population in our country, perhaps forgotten, or even worse, neglected by the majority of Americans for the past 20 years.
Smurfs, who once invited us into the deepest moments of their lives, allowing us a glimpse of what it is like to be small and blue, have now completely disappeared, only leaving behind worn out relics of a purer time. We were all, each and every one of us, invited to see their weekly struggles with vicious cats and evil sorcerers. But now, after two decades of their seclusion, we the American people have lost our true vision of who these sentimental modules of annoying songs really are.
Lest history scorn us, let us devote ourselves to an accurate remembrance of what these noble creatures are, and what they are not:
What they are not:
Purple.
What they are:
Blue.
What they are not:
Stuffed animals to squeeze and hug.
What they are:
Living, feeling creatures, or maybe robots.
Unless we regain this vision of Smurfdom, only time will show us what we truly lost. Perhaps it was our neglect that drove the Smurfs to their seclusion. Perhaps it was the poor choice of habitat, residing only miles from their mortal enemy, who wore them to the brink of extinction each week. Perhaps it was our rejection of their unusual social structure, which was not egalitarian in nature, but largely dominated by effeminate generic males, led by a white beard mystic, Papa Smurf. While it is indeed unusual to have a society with only one female (who is simply known as Smurfette), somehow this bee-like subsistence has sustained them for epochs dating back to the last ice-age. The primary conclusion one must reach when pondering the uniqueness of the female smurf in smurf culture is that female smurfs are, simply put, violently territorial.
People, how could we let these blue ones escape us? We don’t even know if they’re mammals! I’ve never seen one with fur! They might even lay eggs. We just don’t know at this point.
A few facts we do know regarding Smurfs:
Nobody has ever killed a smurf.
They are fanatical about pumpkin carving.
They never give in to torture.
They are the only self-conscious creature naturally born with a hat.
They are fiercely antagonistic towards Snorks.
They do not employ the use of typical weapons, but generally resort to guerrilla warfare.
They use an archaic written language consisting of hieroglyphs
